I have struggled most as an artist and parent. Living on a single income, with twice the expenses, limits what I can do and where. I can only travel for research if the boy can come along, and has something to occupy him. The same goes for residencies. Otherwise, I'll be endlessly interrupted. Difficult enough for anyone doing mentally and emotionally complex work; exponentially so as a single parent with learning differences. Because I have a processing disorder (as does the boy), I need to live near where I am working/researching. I need more time, which costs money. And the cost of even occasional childcare is prohibitive, let alone regular care. Travel and compartmentalization is fragmentation, causing sanity, time, and financial problems. Again, exponentially even more so with a learning difference. This is in part why my work rejects the artificial division of life, work, family, and environment. And why my practice is integrated, so I can survive and work. Not just survive, thrive. I know, just by the demographics of people who are parents, and people with disabilities, that I am not the only one.

Yet, my refusal to compartmentalize was precisely the University's problem. And is why their pulling funding for my research after an ultimatum was such a heavy blow. It meant that in order to work I either had to accept no funding, or fragmentation. Which would impede my work, and my well-being. Not to mention cause our little family strife and distress. In essence, a policy that funding recipients "normally" (what is normal?) would be "living within committing distance of the University", whatever that means, created a situation unnecessarily untenable. And for what? Ego. Fear. So they bully, gaslight, commit perjury*; anything and everything with their power as an institution to do the wrong thing.

Because, doing the right thing is hard. Very hard. Institutions are structured to process people and standardize output. With pressure to "produce knowledge". Knowledge is not something that can be "produced". We don't make knowledge. We can't make something that already exists. Much like how Columbus "discovered" "America", to think we can is arrogant and naive. Knowledge is something we reveal, uncover, find, and often relearn. Like how to work and learn inclusively. With a production process as a metaphor, universities are destined to exclude all who can not or will not keep to the production line. Ask any factory worker how that goes. Stick to this metaphor and fail miserably at inclusion and diversity. And the contemporary University does, fail to include all. Contrary to their claims.

But what is the alternative? The forgotten, the unknown, is scary. Restructuring higher education for learning and growth, for care, has not been done. No institution in living memory has, if ever. And would take an enormous mind shift of what learning and education are for, and for whom.

And yet, there might be hope...

Critically examining every bit of what we do, how, and why is exhausting, and often not in the least bit pretty. Not-so-flattering things come to light, painful awful things that we will need time and hard work to heal. The first step? Listening deeply to the lived experiences of others, accepting that needs truly can and do differ... and that we can and should do all we can to ensure we all have what we need. I know it's daunting. And absolutely impossible in the current knowledge production model. It takes one person, and then another, and then another, and then another to stand up and insist on doing things better. To insist on care, in all aspects of our lives, especially in learning. Because learning can be a source of healing, healing the very trauma that education and universities have perpetrated, mostly unwittingly. Then we reach a tipping point. And that one brave soul, the first follower is the catalyst of the much-needed next phase in social evolution, a sustainable society. Care is the wise path forward, can we all be first followers? Yes. Yes, we can.

*I am wrestling with the question of whether I should post the evidence as part of this performance of being real. Artistically, yes. Ethically, unclear. If the goal is compassion and healing, maybe not. So, stay tuned...